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2022 marks the twentieth anniversary of my becoming a coach and leaving behind an old life as a chemical engineer in the northeast of England. So, in this twentieth anniversary blog, I want to share some of my own spiritual journey as well as some inspiration from the journeys of the brave souls that I’ve been privileged to work with over the past two decades.

While we all have different definitions of ‘spirituality’ none of us can deny our inner self that shines or churns depending on different people or situations. And in our spiritual journey to the heart of what it means to be human, there are maps and milestones left by those who have gone before us. I want to talk about those too.

If I look at my own journey, leaving behind a corporate career as a chemical engineer with ICI, a marriage and home aged thirty, it seems many lifetimes have passed. I barely recognise the person that I was. My abrupt spiritual awakening on 20th February 1999 catapulted me into a completely different paradigm. Life as I knew it was over.

Awakening to the truth of who we really are as spiritual beings is about reformation of character. A change in our deeply ingrained behavioural traits and conditioning such that we are transformed in heart and mind. And it takes time. The ego likes control and does not easily allow the soul sovereignty. It wants to remain the Queen or King of our psyche.

However, the ego needs to learn how to surrender. We do this through an increasing trust in our divine nature. The problem many of us have is that we do not recognise our own true nature. Our distorted ego masks the truth of who we are. We identify with clouds because we do not see the sun. The journey to the heart is about seeing that inner light.

My client’s willingness to reach into the depths of their own shadow and release more of their true selves is humbling. Some of them made big changes. They left draining jobs for more fulfilling careers, had children when they never thought they could, released old pain, forgave themselves and others, discovered hidden talents as artists, writers and entrepreneurs. I have been witness to secrets they have never dared to share, breaking the spell of the unspoken that was corroding their joy of life. They all opened to brighter futures and a greater understanding of themselves and others. In witnessing their transformation, I am in awe of the loving force that streams beneath our lives, connecting and healing if we only have the courage and awareness to listen and allow it to work within us. As Einstein said, “Live your life as if nothing is a miracle, or everything is a miracle.”

We can never know the twists and turns of our path in life but the trajectory matters. There were many times when I couldn’t see where I was going or who I was becoming. But the key question is, are we growing in love? Or are we shrinking in fear of the unknown?

Our choices are either driven by love or fear. But it’s not always easy to see which is in the driving seat.  

But there are many who have walked this path before. They are our guides and our hope. And they left maps. Although the terrain is different for each of us because we each have unique life stories, there are definite milestones along the way. One of the most profound things about these maps and milestones is that they are similar regardless of spiritual tradition or individual.

The Christian, Sufi, or Buddhist traditions for example are all remarkably consistent in their processes towards spiritual growth and human development. They all discuss how our minds progress in fundamental wisdom and how our hearts grow in unconditional love. The mysteries of the human heart, mind and body are universal. Spiritual texts that are 2,000 years old describe these stages in the same the way that we go through them today.

It is psychologically perilous to embark on this journey without these maps. And as restrictive as my Roman Catholic upbringing was, I am grateful that it gave me some sense of understanding of spiritual growth. I realised on the 20th Feb when I saw gold energy around my own head as I looked in the mirror that I wasn’t going crazy, I was experiencing a spiritual conversion. Integrating that influx of spiritual energy was an enormous challenge. I barely had the ego strength to contain it. Still, I told no-one about it for many years. Even in the 21st century, there is still such a lack of understanding of these spiritual matters.

Since they are so important, I want to focus on these maps towards spiritual growth. They can all be described in roughly four stages. And of course, these stages are by no means linear.

• Awakening – a spiritual wakeup call is the first stage. Usually understood through a crisis of loss – death, divorce, tragedy, financial hardship, or health. The loss catapults us into a phase of learning and seeking. We die spiritually to an old way of being and experience a rebirth, a transformation as a person. This abrupt awakening on 20th February 1999 came after a period of deep loss and confusion and a cry from the depths of my soul for divine help. I hung onto my sanity by the thread of faith alone. Impossible choices break the ego but birth the self. I had no idea then that the dividing line between mysticism and psychosis was faith. Only faith can save us from drowning when Pandora’s Box is opened.

After 20th Feb, there was a period of reprieve, hanging out in this new me and exploring which path I wanted to take. I left my lifeless marriage and a year later my corporate career. However, I was only at the beginning of my journey. I had no idea of the extent of darkness and trauma that I would face in the years to come. I just knew that from a poignant dream back in 2001, I would free myself one day from some huge burden I had carried all my life.

I began journaling my dreams seriously in 2002 and continued to over the next twenty years and obviously still do today. I realised in retrospect that I had to construct a healthy ego, a strong container in which to house my emerging spiritual self. Given the extent of trauma in my background this took a long time. But my dreams knew exactly what I needed to do and guided me every step of the way.

By 2003 aged 35, I had retrained as a coach, was single, working for myself, living on a shoestring in a rented cottage with a £50 second hand computer, a kitchen table for a desk, and a blank canvas in terms of clients and income. Within 10 years, I owned two properties and was thriving in York, singing in a gospel choir, writing poetry and riding horses.  

By 2013, I had returned to my native Scotland and living happily by the sea. My journals over the past twenty years are packed with breadcrumbs leading to healing and wholeness. My job was to listen and learn the language of my own symbolism and to act on the guidance I was being given to heal myself. Which leads us to the next stage.
 

• Purification – often called the dark night, is the stage characterised by depression, hopelessness, and often despair. It’s not pretty. Many give up or reach for the meds. But Prozac is not the answer to an existential problem. It’s our own internal faulty perceptions that need re-wired. This is about purifying the heart and mind. The ego is being challenged to let go of pain, jealousy, greed and anger. And it fights to hold on especially if we have experienced a lot of suffering at the hands of others and feel the need to shield ourselves.
  
  Don’t kid yourself that none of that childhood stuff matters especially if you don’t remember. There’s a reason you don’t remember. But the body knows and remembers everything. Even from before you were born. I know that from my own experience. This is where coaching, therapy, bodywork, meditation and dream work come in. They make the unconscious conscious, our numbed feelings felt. Once we are aware and in touch with our pain, then the ego can’t trip us up with its games and lies. But to do this work, we need a well-adjusted ego which isn’t always undermining our efforts. We need to accept our imperfections with grace. Something the ego finds hard to do. After each cycle of purification then there is an illumination.

• Illumination – light after darkness is the 3rd stage. As we let go of the pain, feel what we had previously numbed through a myriad of ways such as alcohol, drugs, overwork or retail therapy – the flow of life returns and we experience more of our genuine nature. The light at the heart of who we really are begins to shine. When we experience this, its obvious to see why this stage is called illumination – we literally see things in a different light. I was blind but now I see becomes a reality. My dreams recently are full of experiences of light. This gives us the courage to forgive ourselves, find greater compassion and  integrate lost parts of ourselves. Which brings us to the next stage, union.

• Union – is where fragmentation becomes greater wholeness. The duality of black and white thinking is replaced by unity and an increasing ability to hold paradox. Every mystic worth their salt will point to deep meditation practice as the path to unity. It’s how we strengthen our foundation in the infinite. We become more equanimous, which basically mean we can handle whatever life brings. We become peaceful beneath the chaos of the world and a much-needed place of solace and support for others too.  I have glimpses of this stage of non-duality when I am on my annual 10-day vipassana retreats. These are becoming stronger and only further my commitment to maintaining my meditation.

Journeying to the heart of our divine humanity is not an easy path but it is one filled with greater joy and meaning in life.

So:

• Do your shadow work, slowly. Let go of the old stories that no longer serve you. The outdated scripts from childhood. But be gentle with yourself. You cannot force this process. Which if you think about it, is an ego-based desire and will only lead to trouble. Psychosis from pushing too hard, too soon is a very real prospect.

• Be determined and do not to give up.  Our inner world is renewed every day in small ways that often seem unnoticeable at first. A genuine spiritual aspirant is like a marathon runner, not a sprinter. Difficult things are our spiritual practice. Embrace challenges. They are the sandpaper that takes out the rough in our personalities and strengthens faith. Problems are training weights. When we embrace difficulty and accept our problems, a strange lightness appears. We can handle it.

• Connect with others who are truly interested in human and spiritual growth. They should be grounded and peaceful people to be around. Real human beings. Don’t look for saviours and gurus. Remember the real guru is your own innate wisdom. As Emerson said ‘When the half-gods go. The gods arrive.’

• Read maps. It doesn’t matter from which spiritual tradition, read as many as you can. There is great wisdom there. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater because they have been corrupted with religion. See beyond the dogma.

• Have faith in the divine. You are not alone. Trust in the infinity of the human spirit. Look for the subtle signs in your life. They are there guiding you. Especially in your dreams. Journal your dreams, learn to meditate, write and reflect in your journal.

I was in Granada recently. And there is a mural in Calle Elvira, Granada’s famous tapas bar street. Inscribed above the mural are the words, ‘El mundo es oscuro, ilumina su parte’. The world is dark, light up your part. How will you respond to that call? I hope you shine. Our world needs it. And I wish you much peace and joy in your journey to the heart.