Billy Connolly's Kipper Tie

He once cooked a full fried breakfast: sausage, mushrooms, eggs, tomatoes and beans then used me as
a plate because some arty student said plates were bourgeois. I was so outrageously techni-coloured
that he wore me during his first Michael Parkinson interview on telly and I flipped with excitement like
those magic fish that curl and jump in the warmth of the palm of your hand. The static from my nylon
fibres was so strong that I almost set myself on fire. He wore me with his tan leather jacket and flares
during a tour of Glasgow, glowing in his new fame then wrapped me around his head and danced like
an American Indian while playing his banjo – D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I hung across the wooden chair for many
years after that like a sad flag. He became too trendy and urbane and left Scotland for L.A. I often
wondered how I would have looked next to his kilt and tweed jacket in ‘Mrs Brown’ and I think
Judi Dench would have approved, ‘One does love one’s kipper tie’. It was remiss of him to leave me
behind during his tour of Australia on a trike. He was all bandana and leathers so I get that a kipper tie
wouldn’t look cool but he could have tied me to the aerial, let me stream behind him. And imagine how
great it would have looked as he frolicked naked in Antarctica with me tied around his neck! But he was
too rich and famous by then and I was finally sold at a Macmillan charity auction  to a millionaire banker
who dry cleaned the ketchup and fat stains, pinned me behind a glass case and boasts about me at
champagne parties. I just hang there, smoked.

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